Well that title sounds much more profound than the reality. But, its actually quite true. Im constantly struggling with trying to keep up, trying to be a person who could handle someone doing a "drop-by" visit, someone who could be spontaneous or not panic when the door bell rings. I want to be able to offer someone a ride without feeling humiliated that my car was a pit, or could offer a spontaneous playdate at our home. I have basically just figured "screw-it" that is not who I am and it is ridiculous to make myself crazy trying to make it so. That worked for about 33.5 years.
For a while I used to ask a very anal friend of mine to please give me the scoop, help me with the system. HOW is your house clean all the time?? How do you keep up all the time, how are you never caught with your dirty hair in a ponytail and looking very, well icky? She laughed at it and said it was just a part of being anal. She said it made her crazy to go to bed at night with a dirty dish in the sink, or a load of laundry waiting in the machine. Hmmm, never a problem for me!! I am so exhausted by trying to figure it out. How do you "learn" how to create systems that work for you in your own world, oh yeah, while mothering and homeschooling three young children? Ive been dedicating a lot of time meditating on it, reading about rhythms and the importance of living in a healthy vibrant home. I feel like rather than feeling this is something that I "have" to do because of the people in the world and what they may think of my messy house, I am now beginning to see it as another essential part of raising my family. Yeah, yeah I heard that "duh" comment, but I mean on a different level, I mean having them feel a sense of my dedication to them, having them see and be a part of a healthy functioning home. Not anal, not even always clean, but healthy, and flowing with the rhythm of a happy and vibrant family. Hey, Im pretty bright in most areas of my life, cut me some slack here, at least Im getting there now.
The iPod has been about 70% of it, it helped me dig in when I wasnt wanting too, but here is the best part.... Im keeping it up because I like the feeling of it, I like feeling that freedom, and control in my life. I couldnt care less about the other people when it comes to this, its about me and my family and how it makes us feel. I am always being chased by this mess-monster or maybe it is a lack of control in my life. I am learning, step by step, not patching, or getting caught up just long enough to get through something, only to let it all slip away again, but learning how to live my life in control of something that Im tired of avoiding or feeling conquered or paralyzed by. Im really hoping this is a new beginning for me, and that Im actually finding my system.
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Thirty-four's not bad. I probably have mentioned to you that Carl Jung, the psychology theorist, thought that life had two stages, childhood and maturity, and that childhood ends and maturity begins at 35. You're right on track! My Mo and Bro left this morning after a 5-day visit. She's old and in decline at 94 but still getting around pretty well. She was relieved to be going home and I, truth to tell, am pleased to have my house to myself again, but it was a good visit. I hope your iPod isn't getting in the way of your Olympics watching. Tell Manny that Chris Rodgers is back on the UA basketball team, which I think will help. And enjoy your new maturity. It does sometimes feel good having things done!
Steve
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