Wednesday, February 15, 2006

For Sale: A Home on a Hill....

Okay, so I made my declaration and admitted that my housework skills are a bit lacking. I do suffer from the "if its not going to be done at a certain level, than I am frozen by it and cant do it at all" thing. BUT, here is the other side of the mountain on the whole thing. It is impossible to be smoothly successful in whatever I attempt unless my house is in order. There I said it, I am now realizing how exhausting trying to "do" anything is when our foundation, our home, is not in order. Let me restate that, I am not just now realizing it, I have known it forever, however I never tasted it before; I never sat down and ate a big old plate full of it and knew it, owned it for myself. I thought I knew it, I could visualize it and I could relate to it, Ive even smelt it, but now, now I have tasted it. Whenever we did things in the past it was certainly fine and doable, but MUCH harder than it is now. Not having to search for the sock, not having to yell about "why dont you put your shoes in the basket", not having to hope my keys are where I put them last. My mind is much more clear and less distracted by the sense that I have sooo much to do, that almost paralyzing feeling. Basically I live on a big old hill. Im always having to do things while trying to march up a hill. That is so much harder, doable; yes, but harder. Im not sure why I live on the hill, Im not sure why I return to it time and time again and have some sort of "comfort level" here, but I do. But Im slowly (quite slowly, over about 15 years) learning about how nice things can be in the valley. Ive seen the views, and driven the roads, its a pretty nice place.
I feel like Ive given the impression that we live in filth, and we dont, but we do live in chaos often times. My Mother, whom I am sure is reading this, is a VERY neat person. I remember growing up and people thought I lived in a museum, everything was in a specific place and beautiful. I really liked, and appreciated that, because we didnt always live in a beautiful place, but our home, our foundation, was always a beautiful and fully cared-for space. She has that ability, that gift. She just does it. I wish I was more like her in that way. She is a putter, and will putt about picking up things, pinching off the less-than-perfect bloom on her plants, wiping down counters, thinking of how she can make it even more lovely. Somehow I missed that gene. I got the "leave that little light on for ambiance" gene, I got the "we can fashion a decoration out of a cup a diaper pin and a frog" gene, but damn-it I didnt get the putter gene!!! If Im putting it is conscious, it is something I am "doing" not just something that happens as I walk from the kitchen table to the bathroom. BUT, Im learning. I am tasting the flavor of knowing that I will get to crawl into a bed that was made that morning and that has the blankets all organized with the sheets all cool and fresh. That is such a good feeling. It makes me do that "Aaahh" sound in my head. It feels special and good to rest in a place that is "cared-for", just for us. Noone else sees it, noone else uses it, its just about us, about that "Aaaah".

NOTE: I dont equate on any level the happiness of a person with how clean their home is!! In fact, I think it can often go too far and become THE focus. The foundation cant be the focus, you have to allow it to ebb and flow, you can't not allow people to stand on it while striving for more for fear that they will mess it up, if that makes sense. Im just making an observation and spending a lot of time thinking about how this has affected me over the years. How it has limited me and my family. How we are much more free, peaceful and happy with things a bit more in order. How being the "keeper of the home" is very important, and not just for appearances, but for us.

Anyway, Im babbling and doing a little blog-therapy on my housework growth. But I figure this can't just be about the Christmas Card letter, that is dull and not real. I mean they work for a once a year snapshot, but you cant report that version everyday. The good part of a blog is sharing about life, the real parts. What Im up too, how we are doing and what is happening with us. Lately its been more about me, but hey, Im the one doing the typing right? Anyway, Im off to make my bed and Putt-about as unconsciously as I can...

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